How do I explain nicely the boundary I’ve already set?

2022.01.19 22:13 squirreltrap How do I explain nicely the boundary I’ve already set?

My (33F) grandma (97F) has been put on hospice.
Extremely long story short, extreme neglect, financial and emotional abuse happened by 2 of her children and their spouses (my aunts/uncles). They’ve also been terrible to me and my husband and took advantage of us more than a few times. Because of this, I have cut them off. It’s been years.
Tricky thing is, my grandma rotates living between the two main abusers. They have always controlled who can speak to her (always say her personal phone is broken for this or that reason, they are always present on phone calls and coaching her on what to say). They control who she talks to. I’ve called Christmases and birthdays over the years. Only a handful of times I’ve been allowed to speak to her. My grandma isn’t herself anymore, just a manipulative voice of my aunts/uncles. Always asking the most negative invasive questions and brushing off good things we have to say about our family.
One of my aunts (64F) raised a narcissistic daughter (39F). She’s always the center of attention. When she had her own daughter (12F) she became the center of attention. In the early days planning grandmas funeral they made it clear it would be my cousin and her daughter’s talent show, as they’d be featured singing. My grandma has 30 grandchildren.
Anyway, the funeral is in control of those two aunts and their spouses. They’ve manipulated everything and it’s all legally set away to be that way. I know they are just going to get up and say how wonderful they were to my grandma but I know the truth. They manipulated my grandma to severely undersell her house to my uncle (not grandmas kid). They’ve done horrible things I don’t have time to get into.
I told my mom because of all of this, whenever my grandma dies I will not be attending the funeral. Grandma won’t be there, and the people that are will tarnish it by making it a talent show for my cousin and her daughter (who both don’t have good voices by the way, I have cousins who can actually sing). My aunts will get up and say lies about being so good to my grandma. They’ve been terrible to her. I would prefer to honor her in my own way, not some fake tribute talent show featuring my psycho family. It’s too bad because I genuinely like my other aunts and uncles (I haven’t cut them off).
Anyway since my grandmas on hospice (not coherent anymore) my moms been dropping hints about how family is the only thing that matters and putting the past behind us. She’s hinting I should turn the other cheek. I do not tolerate the abuse they’ve put her through.
My advice is about my mom. I want to be sensitive to her situation, because her mom is dying, but how do I tactfully make it clear I’m sticking to my boundaries and won’t be attending the funeral? I won’t bring it up unless I’m asked. I will only be speaking to my mom about it. But it seems like an unavoidable conversation and I don’t want to be insensitive.
Edit to say- I bring up the singing talent show etc because not only was my grandpa a very accomplished musician, my grandma has a beautiful voice and plays the piano beautifully. A couple of my non-cut off uncles are accomplished musicians as well. So it does NOT serve her memory well to have a cousin and her daughter to sing. When my grandma was at my house growing up she even commented she didn’t like cousins singing (cousin was pushing family to buy her CD and it was awful) So the talent show is basically crapping on her memory when literally she has sons and other grandchildren who would do it justice. I am not one of those cousins who can sing fyi
Double edit to say I told my mom this boundary a couple years ago.
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